My Quotes
and Life Lessons
I swear I'm gonna' start eating everybody like a crowded mama bunny if anyone else moves into this tiny apartment.
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When I suggested to my husband that he should go to fat camp, he said that he wants to go but he said that it's called a "spa".
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One way to keep a man is talk his legs off so he can't run away.
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I used to be a cat person, but I converted into a dog person because cats are vendictive. My cat named "Daisy" tried to eat my tongue out while I was asleep.
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Another reason why that I am no longer a cat person is that my cat named "Lucky" peed in my mouth once.
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My dog will bite you if you smoke pot, because he mistakes the smell for a skunk butt holes.
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The worst thing that you could tell your mother is that you married a stranger who you just met from the internet.
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I married my first boyfriend as my ticket out of Arkansas.
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I drive with my window cracked in order to hear cars since I can't see them very well.
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I even make Zomba a contact sport since I lack depth perception.
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I can hit the broadside of a barn
...with my minivan when I only had 3 feet of clearence
...just after it was replaced because of tornado damage.
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I keep telling myself that I'm not one of those women who always needs a man (until I cannot open a jar of olives).
I've nearly swallowed bleach, mistaken aerosol deodorant for hairspray (in the 80's), used to each lead paint off of flower pots like they were potato chips, and even chewed my way into one of those toy baby bottles that looks like real milk inside. Apparently, it was toxic back in the 80's so my mom called poison control and I had to drink a lot of water until I threw it all up. Aren't you glad you weren't my mother?
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