Updated: May 8, 2019
1.) I enjoyed eating lead paint like potato chips after slowly pealing it off of terracotta flower pots. Somehow, I put myself through college, but spelling and math are super hard for me.
2.) I chewed on shotgun shells, because I was trying to open them up since I thought they were candy lipstick.
3.) Once I used a zip tie like a bracelet, my hand turned blue, and my mom had to take me to see our neighbor (who was a policeman) and he cut it off of my wrist.
4.) For some random reason, I decided to climb on a barbed wire fence and got 3 stitches in my finger. These days, all it would take to repair that injury is some super glue!
5.) My parents thought I was a rescuing dogs, but I was secretly kidnapping cats and dogs from the drainage ditch surrounding our house. That's when my animal hoarding began.
6.) I dangled my kitten over our chow chow's cage, then he broke free and punctured my kittens lung with his teeth.
7.) It was hot, so I went skinny dipping in our kiddie pool (after throwing away my ruffly dress an the trash can). That one earned me an extra nap.
8.) I had an exaggerated imagination, I wrote wild stuff in my daily diary for my 4th grade teacher. Everyday, she would grab for mine first as we turned them in. They probably sat around and read it in the teacher's lounge for entertainment!
9.) It seemed logical to me that I expressed my God-given artistic ability on my mattress and wood paneling wall with permanent magic markers after being ground from paper because I would rather draw than do spelling and math classwork. I should never have signed my name like a true artist, because my parents didn't believe me when I lied to them that it wasn't me that did it.
10.) I thought I was better than all of the other kids at school, since I bragged that I had many 5 mommies & 4 daddies. My grandparents gained custody of me at the age of 6 months and my birth parents were married and divorced several times. When my teacher heard me bragging about this, she sent me to the school counselor's office where I had to sit in a circle and discuss my "feelings". They just did not get it that I truly felt more loved than anybody since I had the most parents!
11.) I earned a spanking on the very first day of kindergarten, because I washed my hands and then I shook the water off my hand in another kid's face. But I'm pretty sure it was for a bunch of other stuff I did that day like breaking the toy box lid after sitting on it, because the others dared me to.
12.) I threw my dolly up so high that it hit the light shade on the ceiling which made it rain glass on my sister and I.
13.) No matter where my dad put his beer, I always managed to knock it over.
14.) Although I was trying to be helpful, I stepped on almost all of the glass bulbs while attempting to hang Christmas lights every year.
15.) I chewed my way through one of those doll bottles where the "milk" looks like it disappears when you turn it over. Apparently that liquid inside was toxic back in the 80's, so my mom had to call poison control and they said to make me drink a lot of water until I threw it all up!
16.) I put my hands over my daddy's eyes and asked "Guess who?" WHILE HE WAS DRIVING!!!